


A List of Reasons to Raze the Earth

by ToDefineIsToLimit



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast), Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Angst, Bad Things Happen to Cecil Palmer, Canon Asexual Character, Flirting, Fluff, Found Family, M/M, Memory Alteration, Mutual Pining, Non-Human Cecil Palmer, Polyamory, Slow Burn, Starvation, The Magnus Archives Season 4, Trans Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Workplace Relationship, wtnv season 2
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:48:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26040664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToDefineIsToLimit/pseuds/ToDefineIsToLimit
Summary: As a way of quickly marking Jon with all of the fears Elias teams up with all the avatars to swap the archive staff with people in nightvale and wipes everyone's memory except Jon and CecilJon is thrilled that his friends are safe and he only has small apocalypses here that he can do things to solveCecil is... well he's sad because his boyfriend doesn't even consider him a friend now and he's also hungry for statements like constantly because he's used to the higher fear levels in night vale
Relationships: Carlos/Cecil Palmer, Gerard Keay/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 22
Kudos: 52





	1. A Wake-Up Call

**Author's Note:**

> so... the main goal of this is to be kinda cute and funny but like... all these characters have a lot of trauma and are knee-deep in threats to their lives so it's probably going to get super sad and also maybe a bit gore-y
> 
> hope you enjoy!

Jon woke up with a start in an unfamiliar room, sitting in a hard wooden chair and for one moment of terror he thought he was back in the room where Orsinov had kept him but he quickly realized he was untied and the room was… Was he in a recording studio?

There were headphones on his head and through them played music then after a few seconds the music died out and a purple “ON AIR” sign lit up on the wall above the microphone.

“H-hello? Sorry is this being recorded?” He knew it must be, he could feel it, the sensation of being observed. This was not how he had expected to wake up after deciding not to die and honestly he was wondering if it had even worked. Maybe he had died anyway? God knows he shouldn’t be trusting an avatar of the end to tell him how to avoid death. Stupid stupid move.

There was a window out into what seemed to be a hall that Jon could see through and a man suddenly ran into view of the window. 

“Tim!” He exclaimed shooting up out of the chair, “You made it out alright! I was worried, how’d you do it?”

Tim was holding a piece of paper against the glass that read in all caps, “BOSS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

“Oh right,” He said pulling off the headphones and going to the door. He figured this had to be safe enough; he could see where the door lead, so it couldn’t be the distortion.

“Boss! It’s the middle of the broadcast you can’t just stop talking! People will panic!” Tim exclaimed.

“Oh so it’s a radio station then? Well just as well, It’s not my problem, so get me up to speed what’s happening where are we?”

“We’re at the station?? Are you feeling okay???”

“Whatever let’s just get back to the archives, and you can explain there. Where are Daisy and Basira?”

“Daisy? Didn’t she become one with the whispering forest sometime last year? And I don’t even know who Basira is boss.”

“What?! Tim what are you on about?! Daisy and Basira, our coworkers?” Jon explained even though there was by no means any reason for him to have to. Tim displayed no recognition, “Went with us to stop the unknowing?!”

“Oooookay that’s it I’m calling Martin to drive you home, I’ll take over the broadcast, for now, I know you liked it better when Melanie did the broadcasts it but I don’t have much of a choice.”

“Yes, call martin! He and Melanie will explain to you how stupid you’re being!”

“I know I know, your boyfriend the scientist, he’s so smart, he knows everything,” Tim rolled his eyes and his call, lifting the phone to his ear, “And honestly boss, those jokes about Melanie aren’t funny.”

Boyfriend? Scientist?? What in god’s name was going on?

“Hey Martin?... Yeah, Jon’s acting really strange, I’d say what’s new but evidently you like weird radio hosts... would you mind picking him up and figuring out what’s wrong?... Thanks.”

Tim hung up, “He’s on his way, just wait here for him, I have to get back to broadcasting.”

Tim went in and closed the door. Jon watched as he put the headphones one and his voice piped in through a speaker in the ceiling.

“Hey, Night Vale, sorry for the delay this is Intern Tim, broadcasting while Jon rests that sexy voice of his. Now an update on those texts he’s been receiving from Melanie from inside the dog park. And later a message from the Faceless Old Man Who secretly lives in all our homes.”

Texts from Melanie? Oh god, that’s what was going on! It was Elias he was pulling something in retaliation against whatever Martin had done. That plan he had been talking about on the tape. He pulled his phone quickly from his pocket. He was stricken by the background. 

It was a picture of him and Martin and… he flushed… his lips were pressed to Martin’s cheek while Martin seemed to be laughing. There was an Arby’s sign in the background. Jon remembered that was an American restaurant he had been careful to avoid while he visited. He gritted his teeth and pointedly ignored the picture. He had no idea what it meant and he certainly didn’t remember it being taken it, but he couldn’t get hung up on… sentiments right now.

He also had several text notifications. He clicked on the notification and the message opened. They were texts from Melanie.

“I’m okay, " Her first text read.

"Melanie! oh god, you're alright!' Was his apparent response. He never used exclamation points...

She continued saying, “I’ve actually met some nice people here and they’re… interesting.  
Oh! Also, I met that girl? The one with the door that no one can remember? And she’s really cool but every time she’s around things make even less sense than usual. Anyway, I’ll keep you posted Jon.”

And a text from his phone closed the conversation with a simple “good luck".

He was liking this less and less with every moment that passed. She was talking about Helen but why could no one remember her? And what was this about being in a dog park why was that such a big deal? Did it have something to do with the hunt?

"Jon?" 

Jon turned and saw Martin coming down the hall.

"Martin, I'm glad you’re here, something's wrong. Did you manage your plan to get rid of Elias?" He felt panic welling up in him and he realized with a sick twist to his stomach that this would be delicious for the eye if he just had a tape player with him.

"What? Who's Elias?" Martin asked with a frown.

"No, no, no, no, it got you too I have- I have to fix this. I have to-" he stopped and his hand was caught between two larger warmer once. He looked up and saw martin looking at him with a soft smile.

"Hey,” Martin said, his tone unspeakably gentle in that way that made Jon get flustered and say rude things, “explain what's going on."

"I… I have a different set of memories from everyone else and I think it's because of an ancient unknowable entity of fear making you forget."

Martin nodded, "Okay, sounds about right it is Tuesday, after all, let's see about getting our memories back."

"Wha- you believe me?" Jon asked, baffled.

"Of course I do darling, " Martin squeezed his hand reassuringly and then time seemed to slow as he gently pressed his lips to the back of Jon's hand. Jon couldn't breathe.

"Why- why did you do that?" He asked starting at their still joined hands.

"Oh haha,” Martin rolled his eyes sarcastically, “yes I know, shock and aw. ‘Are we really dating?’ Very funny."

Jon made a strangled noise of confusion.

Martin laughed as if he was indulging an old joke, "You’re my boyfriend Jon you'll have to get used to me being affectionate eventually."

That's when Jon got really confused. Because of any number of explanations that he could come up with for this situation, none of them took _this_ into account. Because the fact was he was simply not this lucky. 

What if he actually did die? Maybe this was an afterlife? But had he done anything to deserve it?

A life with no Elias? Melanie was fine and was making good friends with Helen? Tim was happy again? And he and Martin were dating?? 

Yes, surely they must have died. He and Tim, during the Unknowing. That's why Basira and Daisy weren’t here. They survived. And Martin and Melanie must’ve he must have died too. During his plan for Elias. That didn't explain why they were dating but it was his best working theory.

"May I kiss you?" Jon heard the words leave his mouth.

 _What?! Why did he just say that????!? Now Martin would know he liked him! Stupid move he couldn’t afford to be involved with people, he was the Archivist for god’s sake._

"I told you, you don't have to ask, I'll tell you if I don't want a kiss at some point."

Well technically there was no harm if he was already involved with Martin, He justified. Still, Jon found he was nervous. If he ever got Martin to remember would he be angry at Jon for having kissed him? 

He stepped forward and laid a hand on Martin's shoulder. Martin was taller than him and he had to stand on his tiptoes.

Martin cupped his cheek running a gentle thumb over his skin and Jon shuddered at the contact.

And then his lips were touching Martin’s and Jon expected to pull away immediately but Martin began moving his lips against Jon’s and Jon melted. He needed to stop, there were more important things to do but dear lord it’s not like this opportunity would ever come again once Martin remembered that is wasn’t normal. So Jon sighed into the gentle swipe of tongue the opening of mouths before they eventually broke apart.

Jon felt dizzy and peaceful for just a moment before the guilt crashed over him in waves. Oh great another reason for Martin to hate him.

“Right we- we should go somewhere so I can explain everything and then you can tell me what I’m supposed to remember according to you,” Jon managed, pulling back.

***

Cecil woke up in a hospital bed, not an altogether uncommon occurrence, and over his bed stood a scowling woman that he recognized as future-intern Maureen whose first day at the station was coming up soon.

“How are you alive?” She asked sound mildly disappointed.

“The city council hasn’t yet ordered my execution,” He said with a shrug, “Hello Maureen, care to tell me why I’m in the hospital this time?”

“Why you’re….? Cecil a bomb went off literally right next to you! You’re lucky you didn’t end up like Chad…”

“A bomb? Interesting. I’ll have to tell the listeners about this!”

“Yeah yeah figured you want to talk to you tape recorders when you woke up,” Maureen said testily, “Here I brought a statement to help you get back on you feet and uh- well the recorder is there by your beside apparently, those stopped appearing for a bit but I guess since your back guess that’ll start again.”

Maureen pulled a file out of her bag and handed it to Cecil, “I’ll give you some privacy while you… _eat_.”

And with that, she left. Most of what she said was vaguely incoherent but Cecil suspected that was the after-effects of a concussion affecting his mind.

Cecil looked over at the tape recorder. It was already running…

Were they planning on playing these tapes on air later?

He opened the file assuming it to be his notes for the days broadcast or something of the kind.

These were not his notes.

“Statement of Lorell St. John? Regarding Zombies?” He said feeling confused. As his eyes scanned the page he felt as if his head was full of cotton. Similar to how he felt when he talked about the Glow Cloud (all hail). The impulse to continue saying the words on the page overtook him.

Apparently he would be reading this whole thing.

“Statement Given: February 1st, 2015,” Then, feeling like more explanation was important, he added, “read by Cecil, host of NVCR.”

“Statement Begins. People always used to tell me I was solipsistic. They said that I never really _engaged_ with other people…”

It was as if the more words he said the less choice he had in continuing to reading by the end of it his mouth was moving entirely without his input.

It certainly felt strange but he wasn’t complaining. He had never had much of a taste for reading out everyday police reports like this so he appreciated being able to allow his mind to float freely and the story continued.

Finally, it ended. 

“Ah well, listeners I’m sure you’ll agree with me that was a hardly necessary use of our air time but I suppose when the sheriff secret police ask something of you right after you wake up in the hospital you don’t have much of a choice…” He said trying to remain polite and professional despite the inconvenient circumstances, “I do wish I could have seen Carlos before I started work again. My _boyfriend_ the scientist. I bet he would know all about Philosophical zombies or whatever other nonsense. ”

A knock sounded at the door.

“I’m done recording!” He called.

“Good, now let’s get you back to the archives so you can change into real clothes,” Maureen said.

Cecil had no t=idea what she was talking about.

***

“Alright I would like to now call to order our second meeting of entities,” Elias said tapping the table with a gavel. The volume didn’t change as everyone had already been completely silent.

“Alright to start things off I would like to thank you all for your efforts to make this swap go off as smoothly as possible for everyone involved. I applaud all of your efforts and a special round of applause to the web, the End, and the buried for being no help in our efforts to bring forth the new world. Good work standing up to peer pressure,” He said passive-aggressively to Oliver, Annabelle, and the coffin that was stood on its end in the place of a chair.

Annabelle arched an unreadable eyebrow but gave no other response.

Then out of the corner of his eye Elias caught sight of a hand being waved in the air, and sighed slowly, “Yes, Callum?” Behind him stood Manuella and she seemed exactly as excited as Elias was to hear the twelve-year-old’s perspective.

“When do we get to the fun part with the apocalypse?”

“Well,” Elias said with a strained smile, “If you had been paying attention at our first meeting you might have heard the plan…”

“W̷̻̽ē̶̜'̵͈̎r̷̡͘e̷̥̎ ̷̣̓g̴͖̍ỏ̵͙ǐ̵̲ň̵̟g̸̡̔ ̴̪̈́ȁ̵̝l̵̫̀ò̷̺n̷̥̅g̵͇̒ ̵͔̚ẁ̶̩i̷͎̐t̷̜̕h̴̻͑ ̴͎̇t̶͆ͅh̵͍̍ẹ̶͝ ̶͕̈́w̵̱̚ä̷̬́ẗ̶̫́c̶̮̆h̴̯̐ȩ̶̉ȓ̸͜'̵̖̐s̵̮͂ ̴̜̊c̷͚͐r̵̽ͅỏ̸̻w̵̐͜n̶͙̈ ̶͈͝r̶̻̐i̸̮͋t̴̗͊u̴̗͂a̴̠̒l̶͕̚,” Hopworth cut in, egh he always had a soft spot for kids, “b̷͕͗ę̶̽c̶̢͊a̵̫͋u̷͉̾s̴̟͒e̵̫͝ ̵̆͜ḯ̵̪f̶̟͋ ̶̱t̵̠̄ḧ̸̰é̴̥y̴̢͝ ̴͉̄d̸͔̓ǫ̷̔ ̵̖̽ì̴̩t̴͎͝ ̶̡̆t̷̟̅h̵̺̔e̷̖͑n̶̞͂ ̵̖̾ạ̴̈l̶̘͐l̶͙͗ ̴̻ȏ̸̰f̶̮̅ ̸̘̂ṷ̶̓s̶̻̃ ̴͓̏w̵̺̄i̵̬̓l̴͎͑ḻ̵́ ̶̑͜g̵̹̎e̸̲͌t̷͎͌ ̶̲̆o̶̦͝u̷͓̾r̵͇̈́ ̴̦̂ő̷ͅw̴̘̎ǹ̴̥ ̴̹̇ď̵̢o̴̕ͅm̵̧ă̴̱i̶͖͊n̵̒͜ ̶̘͐t̴̤̆ó̸̳ ̴̩̌ř̵̥u̵̮͗n̸̫͛.̷̣̔.”

“And then none of us have to meet ever again,” Peter agreed.

“This is why our last marriage fell apart,” Elias told him.

“Our last marriage fell apart because you wouldn’t stop flirting with Simon,” Peter snarked back.

“I told you that was just for money.”

“So was our last marriage!”

Elias was about to respond when he caught movement under the table, “Grifter, do not touch that guitar I sat you next to Jude for a reason and she would be more than happy to put an end to your little band forever.”

“It’s true i would,” Jude nodded.

A door appeared behind him, “Ah Helen how kind of you to finally join us.”

“Ahhh Jonah you really fucked up this time,” She giggled strolling to her seat between the still-moping Breekon and Trevor.

“Oh have I? It seemed to me that Jon was really taking to his new world especially after i warped poor little martin’s memories to match the scientist.”

“Oh no your archivist is doing just fine,” She said lacing his fingers together, “Your other avatar on the other hand? He will raze this institute before he accepts that he’s no longer with that boyfriend of his. Do not underestimate Cecil Palmer.”

“Remind me why we aren’t using him,” Trevor grumbled, “He’s been marked by all the entities just by being in that town of yours. What’s the point of the beholding having that place if it doesn’t get something out of it? The whole thing might as well be one of your statements.”

Elias huffed, had any of them been paying attention to the last meeting?

“While you are correct that town is quite literally a statement, simply there for the eye to feed on the fear the problem with the host is that he’s simply not scared enough. He’s _numb_. But by doing a short-term swap for a maximum of a year or two it safely exposes our archivist to all the rest of the fears in one fell swoop, less orchestration from here on out. In the meantime, it keeps the radio host alive by letting him get by on statements until we can put him back on his usual diet of local news.”

“He’s going to starve,” Annabelle said, speaking for the first time, “Those statements are nothing compared to what he usually gets.”

Amherst nodded, “I can already feel him starting to wither, call me when he begins to rot properly, I’ll be happy to take him.”

“He’ll be fine!” Elias snapped, “I think I know how to feed my avatars. So if that’s all, I think we’re quite done here, all of you get out of my tunnels, _now_.”

He stood and turned on the ball of his foot to head for the door and reached for the doorknob. He stopped just before he touched it. And turned sharply to the left and went to the door that _wouldn’t_ eat him. He heard the distortion giggle but ignored it as he walked away.


	2. Partners, Punches, and Paper Swans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so apparently Jon is poly because why write monogamy when Jon has two hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so uhm there's some Jon/ Gerry in here because i think it's cute :p and martin agrees

It took only a few hours for Jon to accept his new situation which just goes to show you, you can convince yourself anything is normal if you wish it were.

The first day in that strange town was spent in what was according to martin his house, explaining everything about their lives from the day the spaniel got loose in the archives up til the moment Oliver walked into the room and told him he had a choice to make.

Martin nodded along and didn't question the story, simply waiting for the end, and then asked, "Do you wanna know what I remember?" 

Jon nodded and after a few leading questions, Martin was pouring forth the story as if it were a statement.

The way he got a job as a scientific research assistant in London and was soon sent with a team of other assistants to what had been correctly deemed "the most scientifically interesting town in America". Upon arriving a strange man on the radio immediately began talking at length about Martin starting with biting comments about "outsiders" but eventually over the next year giving way to a soft admiration of the scientist. 

All the while Jon had apparently not been aware that Martin and his team listened to his broadcasts. Until Martin almost died about three weeks ago and confessed not only to having heard every broadcast but to having feelings for Jon as well.

Then just as Jon began wishing this was true, Martin began regaling him with tales of what sorts of horrible things he'd broadcasted through. Things that at first sounded harmless, street cleaning day, poetry week, a boy scout promotion ceremony, that were soon revealed through Martin's description of them to be horrible catastrophes.

And through it all, Jon sat in his recording booth. Speaking lowly into the microphone, delivering one gruesome update after another. Watching, listening, placidly. Voyeuristic as ever.

“That certainly sounds like me,” Jon sighed because it did. He had always been the type to sit and watch suffering, even as a child with that damn book, and this story Martin had told him sounded… Painfully true.

And this house, _his house_ , the decorations were somber, dark academia incarnate, but the chairs were comfortable and just the right amount of squishy. It was the house he had always thought about having before… well before Gertrude died. After that everything went sideways but this was his dream home if he ever had one. Only the lack of books made him question it, but he assumed those were in the bedroom?

The final thing that sealed it was when he rubbed his at his burn scar out of habit and froze. He looked down. 

It was gone. His scars were gone, the burn, the worm scars, he flexed his hands staring at them.

“Jon…” Martin said giving him a slightly worried look, “I would like to just suggest… maybe _your_ the one who is having memory issues? I mean… me and Tim and Melanie all remember this with the town.”

“Then why are we all from the UK?”

“Are you?” Martin asked, “I mean honestly I thought the accent was fake but you wore it well so I didn’t call you on it, and then when I met Tim and Melanie I figured they were just trying to be like you.”

“I- why does everyone think my accent is fake??”

“I don’t know Jon you just… you have that vibe.”

“Well vibe or no I am _not_ American.”

“Okay okay, but… logically speaking it seems a bit…. Far fetched? I mean not for this town I suppose but I just… I’m not sure I like that world better. I mean… I’m happy in Night Vale. And I’m… well I’m happy with _you_ Jon. Between the two… I guess I’m just more inclined to believe the one that’s scary but I’m still happy?”

Martin was happy with him? How? Not that Jon was really complaining but it wasn’t eveactly expected.

“I hate to interrupt a touching moment but we have bigger problems specifically between me and you _archivist_ ,” A sudden voice off to the side said. Rather than tense up as he probably should upon hearing an unexpected voice in his house, he relaxed at the familiar title said with the familiar amount of venom. Jon turned quickly and saw no one, and looked around for the source but the room was empty save for him and Martin. 

Martin smiled, “Oh hello faceless old man who secretly lives in our homes!”

“What?! I’m not old or faceless! Do I sound old and faceless?” 

No, perhaps he did not but Jon knew he sounded familiar.

“Gerry?” He asked the open air.

“You broke your promise.”

“You remember! The other life you remember it!”

“Of course I do, its hard to memory wipe a ghost, not that I exactly am one anymore.”

“So it’s all real! I’m right it was all real life!” Jon felt a strange sort of excitement mingled with sadness because he for a moment had sort of hoped Martin was right?

Gerry huffed, “Funny I thought you would at least pretend to be sorry.”

“No, no wait I am! No well no I’m not because I did it. I burned your page! It hurt but I did it…”

“Gertrude was a better liar than you.”

“Sorry do you to know each other?” Martin cut in politely, like it was completely normal for unseeable people to break into one’s home here, and who knows maybe it was.

“Unfortunately…” Gerry said. And admittedly that stung.

“We do. Martin, this is Gerard Keay. You remember those evil books I was telling you about? Well, he used to burn them. And he turned up in a whole bunch of statements and I finally got to meet him and we became friends and he made me promise to destroy him but I couldn’t for a while because- he’s well- I didn’t want to lose him. Just for information you know-” Jon was babbling but with how tired he was he couldn’t stop the words from pouring out.

“Ohhh wait were you two dating? I was wondering why Jon wasn’t mentioning us being together in his memories, is it because you two were together?” Martin didn’t seem upset, just curious

“What no!” Jon said too quickly. Okay yes he might have, for a time, had a small crush on Gerry but he was past it, it was nothing.

But equally quickly Gerry said, “I don’t even like him!”

“.....,” Martin said pointedly.

“Look thats not even the point,” Gerry snapped, “the point is that you promised to sever me from this world and next thing I know I’m being thrown into hell-town where I’m told Elias’s next big plan is taking place, no one can look directly at me and they keep calling me old.”

“I- I’m sorry but I don’t know what happened, I swear I burned the page!”

Gerry sighed heavily and Jon could almost feel the breath, “I know you did I found the ashes in the bin next to your desk but I had to check, you know, see if this really was your fault because if it’s not then that means I’ve risen from the dead properly this time and if I wasn’t human before I don’t know what I am now.”

“‘Risen from the dead’?” Jon repeated.

“Yeah, I have a body now.”

“Then why can’t we see you?”

“Look directly at each other,” He said.

So Jon locked his eyes on Martin and caught a flicker of movement in the corner of his eye, there was a figure there, with dark hair and a black shirt, the shirt had text on it that Jon couldn’t make out.

“You’re stuck in the peripheral,” Martin said easily, “You always have been, just in the corner of our eyes. That’s not new.”

“Yes it is, but it’s understandable that you think so,” Gerry huffed, “ I talked to Helen. You know the distortion? And she… she explained what Elias is up to.”

Gerry explained everything, the swap, marking Jon with the fears, the onecoming apocalypse,all of it.

Jon dragged a hand tiredly down his face while he processed the information, “Right then. I'll have to just head to London and confront Elias."

Martin started laughing but it died when Jon shot him an offended look, "Wait you're serious? Uhm I’m sorry, Jon but you can't just _leave_."

"Martin I promise I'll come back for you, I'm not just leaving you here."

"No I- That's very sweet but I meant literally,” Martin stuttered with a blush coloring his cheeks, “If you try to leave station management will- w-well I don't know what they'd do to you but it wouldn't be good!"

"He's right, not to mention I’m pretty sure if you showed up Elias would just pretend nothing was wrong, " Gerry said, "He used to be so cool I don't even know what happened. But yeah I wouldn’t suggest trying to leave Night Vale, It never goes well."

"So- so what I'm just supposed to sit here and do nothing?!" Jon threw his hands up in exasperation.

"No, you supposed to run the radio station, " Gerry said and Jon could almost make out him crossing his arms.

"Speaking of which I ought to get you back there so you can at least do the late evening broadcast before you get sick, " Martin said standing up.

"Sick? What do you mean?"

"Based on what Helen told me, the news and general radio stuff you read will be how you…" Gerry trailed off awkwardly.

"Ah _eat_ , " Jon sighed. After hearing from Martin all the things that had taken place that he had supposedly broadcasted through he had no doubt that a simple reading of the news would hold enough fear to satisfy him.

"Yeah…" Gerry agreed awkwardly.

"Well then we better go, it's been six months and I could use a pick me up,” He said pulling himself wearily out of his chair. He could see Gerry was close to him though still just slightly out of his proper field of vision.

“Uh, Jon wait” He said suddenly.

“What?”

“Could I just… touch your arm? It’s… it been a while since I’ve existed and I just… I need to touch skin that wasn’t in that book.”

Jon felt a strange emotion at the idea of touch Gerry for the first time but he just nodded and held out a hand palm up, not trying to look at the man. He felt hesitant fingertips skitter across his palm and he pressed upward into the contact gently until they were palm to palm, fingertips resting lightly on each other’s inner wrist.

“Thank you for always explaining Gerry,” Jon said, his voice came out more… gentle than he wanted it to. But he really meant it. 

No one had explained half as much to him about all this as Gerry had during their collective hour of time spent together. Jon had been so damn flustered meeting him that first time that he didn’t even think before asking him for a statement. He was too busy stumbling on literally every question to realize that it might not be the most efficient use of their limited time. But still the other man had told him all he needed to know despite how uncomofrtable it was to be summoned like that.

But now they had more time. They had until Elias switched them back.

Gerry laughed, pulling his hand away after moment and Jon felt a flash of embarrassment, “Well yeah, I figure someone ought to. You were pretty helpless without me.”

“Y-yes I suppose I was,” He said shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Thank you,” Martin cut in, “Gerry was it?”

“Uh yeah, er- well Gerard, but yeah Gerry Keay.”

“Martin K. Blackwood, and really thanks I… I don’t like our... well our _real-life_ I suppose but I don’t particularly like the idea of someone messing around in my head either so…”

“Anytime, also Jon, leave the cigarettes here. You shouldn’t be smoking at work anyway and it’s been years since I had one.”

“Fair,” Jon set them down on the table as they walked out.

He climbed back into martin’s car and over the radio, he could hear a feminine voice reading out numbers interspersed with a chiming noise.

“So… he was cute,” Martin’s tone was playful, slightly teasing if he wasn’t mistaken.

“You couldn’t see him,” Jon said, feeling certain that this conversation was not going in a direction that he would enjoy.

“Well fine he _sounded_ cute,” Martin amened.

“How can someone sound cute?” Jon scoffed.

“Well I fell for you just hearing you talk.”

“I’m- I’m sorry but… Martin, you didn’t actually fall for me at all. Elias changed your memories. It’s not…”

“It’s real to me,” Martin said sharply, “You’re…. Look, you like me, I know you do. You asked to kiss me so you clearly like me. You don’t get to just pretend that there’s nothing between us. I get that I didn’t actually fall in love with you listening to your voice on the radio but-”

“Love?” Jon cut in, “Do- do you…?”

“That’s not the point of this. The point is, we are together Jon, you can’t just take that back.”

“Are you jealous? Of Gerry is that where the ‘cute’ comment came from?”

“No I’m- what I’m saying is, you aren’t getting away from me as easy as a case of lost memories. But... if you like Gerry too that’s okay, you should date him too. I don’t mind and I think he likes you as well.”

Huh Jon hadn’t realized that Martin would be okay with polyamory.

He shook his head clearing away the idea before it could form, “We hardly know each other.”

“That’s not a denial.”

“Well alright yes I used to have somewhat of an- an _admiration_ of him from stories and yes maybe actually having talked to him a few times hasn’t helped that fact but-”

“Then at least flirt with him a bit? Gauge his interest?”

“I don’t flirt!” Jon protested.

“You must have done something to make me like you or Ephias wouldn’t have realized we liked each other enough to change our memories to be dating.”

“His name is Elias,” Jone said buying himself time to think of a response, “but I mean... maybe? To be honest with you Martin I don’t know _why_ you like me and I’m still not sure whether you did in real-life or not."

“Honestly, Jon don’t act as if your unattractive,” Martin said rolling his eyes.

Jon blinked, “Am I not?”

Martin shot him a quick dumbfounded glance, “I’m not even dignifying that with an answer.”

Soon they were at the radio station again and he went inside, Tim put on a prerecorded message from their sponsors. Jon’s voice began playing through the speakers while Tim rushed out to give him all the rest of the notes for the day.

“And don’t go all quite again, okay boss?” Tim said teasingly, “I was supposed to off two hours ago so good luck, remember you have to introduce the next program at eight o’clock rather than eight-thirty tonight.”

“Quite and remind me what was the next program?”

“Open-mouthed chewing, glass edition,” Tim said brightly, “Night!”

Jon winced at the title and hoped that was a joke, “Goodnight Tim and thank you for the help.”

“Anytime but hey maybe suggest to station management that I might make a good nighttime host huh?”

“I certainly will take that under consideration,” Jon said with a small smile and walked into the recording booth.

He sat down at the desk and slid the headphones onto his head just as the ad ended.

“Hello, Nightvale ah- sorry about before, I was feeling a little bit under the… well I was feeling a little sick,” He explained, “All better now though.”

“Let’s see, up next is... Oh a Children’s Community Fun Fact Science Corner, that sounds exciting,” He picked up the sheet with the words he was to read, “Hey kids, you know those noises your house makes at night after everyone’s gone to bed? Well, that is the wood of the house expanding and settling.”

Well, this was surprisingly pleasant so far, he remembered what it was like to be scared of those noises as a child.

He felt the compulsion to keep reading, “You see wood expands when moist and contracts when dry and daily the sun dries out all that moisture because the wood in your house becomes _very saturated_ at night. The main thing to remember is that there is nothing in your house making those noises. There is nothing causing those growls or what sounds like clawed footsteps walking by your door. The screams are just the house settling, the wet sticky tearing sounds, merely the moisture. So much moisture. The sound of receding footsteps and the front door slamming shut are also nothing. I promise you there is nothing and no one in your house! No one at all, not anymore. Besides you of course.”

Jon let out a shaky sigh as the compulsion released him and with a shiver of what he wished was discomfort he knew he had been fed. This was real and apparently normal enough for public radio.

“Well that was… very educational, I’d also caution you to stay into your beds at night while the ah- house settles.”

He shuffled his papers and moved on to the next.

***

“Maureen what even _is_ this place?” Cecil asked as he was lead down into a slightly musty basement level.

“God that’s the question isn’t it, its gotten worse since you’ve been gone. More attacks from other entities and of course Carlos....”

“Is something wrong?” 

“Yeah, he uh- well we’ve all had to move into the archives and he isn’t taking it well, you know he’s kinda outdoorsy.”

“The whole town had to move into this basement?”

Maureen gave him a look of confusion, “No… the whole of London wouldn’t fit in the archives. Cecil you’re being weirder than normal.”

Cecil just sighed, London? Did he get stuck in an alternate reality _again_? Ugh he didn’t have time for such childish mistakes. How embarressing! The last time he accidently reality hopped he was seven! Oh well better to play along until he was retrieved by authorities so he didn’t get burned alive by locals.

“Sorry, I was just joking about how crowded it will be with all of us.”

“It’s not so bad, Just me, you, Carlos and Dana. Speaking of Dana uh… I suggest you stay away from her, she’s gotten even more murder-y while you were in your coma. Carlos has mainly kept to himself, he used to visit you in the hospital a lot but since he moved in here he tends to not leave a lot, says it’s too bright out or something like that. Maybe you can talk him into at least turning the lights on when he’s in a room though.”

“Of course, after all, how will we all revel in his beauty if he sits in the dark.”

“O…. kay,” She said gesturing toward a door that said “Cecil Palmer, Head Archivist.”

“Ah right my stop, thank you Maureen,” Cecil said, hoping he’d be able to work out what he was supposed to do in the meantime. He made his way into the office and flicked on the lights.

There were at least five tape record’s scattered around the room and as he entered othe one on the desk clicked on. Ah, so it was alive.

“Hello, you wouldn’t happen to know where my boyfriend is would you?”

“I didn’t know you had a boyfriend,” A beautiful caramel voice said.

Cecil whipped around with a grin on his face. Carlos, his beautiful intelligent boyfriend stood there in the doorway looking confused.

“Of course I have a boyfriend,” Cecil said teasingly, “He is handsome and a scientist!”

“Oh… where’d you meet him?” Carlos asked, no joking tone to his voice. Just polite curiosity. 

That’s when Cecil noticed that Carlos did not have on a lab coat that cecil had bought him that was made out of pink flannel. Nor did he have on the bracelet Cecil had given him for their one week anniversary. Was it possible that he and Carlos… weren’t dating in this universe? Cecil felt his stomach plummet.

He proceeded cautiously, “I met him in a friendly desert town, where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful and-”

“Oh so on your trip to America last year?”

Cecil wilted, “Yes, I suppose so. I’m afraid he might not care for me as much as I do him though, we live in different worlds.”

“Well science and paranormal research aren’t that different I’m sure you’ll… you’ll work it out Cecil. And if you don’t, you’ve still got us here,” Carlos gave him a wane smile.

“I don’t know that’d he’d still think I’m handsome with these scars from the bomb.”

Carlos frowned, “Well, I don’t think that should matter much, you’re still you, and besides who else can say they have scars from a handshake, killer worms, and a bomb? It makes you very interesting to look at.”

“Thank you,” Cecil said, and thought a moment, “Carlos what was this that Maureen was telling me about you with the lights off…?”

“Oh I’ve just been, sitting with the lights off, its calming I feel like- like Elias can’t see me as well after a while. Like the dark is protecting me from him somehow. Don’t worry I won’t be joining the people’s church of the divine host I’m just… comfortable there.”

“If you say so,” Cecil said slowly. He didn’t know what that church was but if it wasn’t bloodstones he didn’t trust it.

Carlos nodded, “Speaking of which I’m kinda tired so I think I’ll go back to my cot, night Cecil.”

“Goodnight Carlos,” Cecil said softly. He went and sat at his desk, shutting the door behind him. Now to figure out what his job was exactly. He started shufffling papers on his desk .

He heard a door open behind him and he was sure that there hadn’t been one there before.

“Ohhhh little host poor thing you look so confused,” A kind feminine voice said and Cecil turned around to see a Penrose Triangle of a woman leaning out of an impossible hallway, “Hello, there. I’m Helen.”

“Host?” Cecil repeated before perking up, “Wait, Yes! I am the host! Of Night Vale community radio!”

“I know, and how unfortunate what’s happened to you…”

Cecil blushed, “Fallen into an alternate reality, it happens from time to time.”

“Oh no dear let me explain,” She said with a giggle that echoed for centuries.

And she did. 

And Cecil felt a fury rise up in him

“ _Where is Elias Bouchard?_ ” Cecil rumbled as she finished explaining.

“Oh you’ll meet him soon little host, I promise. In fact, I do believe he’s coming this way now, so I should go.”

“Goodbye, Helen. Thank you.”

“Oh it’s what I’m here for, and by the way, your man in the tan jacket is locked in my halls. Let me know when you get home and I’ll let him out.”

And with that, the door closed and she disappeared. 

A few moments passed before a polite knock sounded, Cecil went to the door and opened it.

The man smiled, “Hello, Cecil I am glad to see you back up and on your feet.”

“Elias?” He asked to confirm.

“Yes did you need someth-”

Elias stopped talking then because Cecil had punched him directly in the face sending the man crumpling to the ground likely more out of pain and a loss of balance more than any loss of consciousness. Cecil shook out his hand, no one ever told you how much a punch to the face could hurt on the delivery end.

“Whah-? You punched me!” He said wetly as he clutched his now bleeding nose.

“Yes, I did.”

“Jon _never_ punched me, neither did Gertrude…” He trailed off seeming dumbfounded.

“I’m not an archivist and I’m not afraid of you.”

“You actually hit me,” He muttered, “Even Melanie and Tim don’t hit me. Martin just burns things,” Then to Cecil he said, “You can’t just _hit me_.”

“What are you going to do about it?” Cecil snarled. This man had taken Carlos from him, had separated him from his friends, his family, _his town_. Cecil would happily deliver a punch to the face.

“I- I just-” Elias said and Cecil felt when the man began digging around in his head then he felt when Elias gripped onto something tightly like a lifeline.

“Your sister. You used to help her raise Janice. But now she doesn’t need you not since Steve Carlsburg-” He began but stopped, “That’s not even _fear_ that’s just jealousy…”

Cecil just raised an eyebrow as Elias wobbled to his feet like a baby deer learning to stand.

“The ah- Mirrors! Yes. Mirrors. ‘Someone’s going to kill you one day Cecil and it will involve a mirror mark my word-’”

“Is this some sort of attempt to be a father figure to me because you’re a little late for that,” Cecil interrupted.

Elias just gaped at him, “You know what? Fine. I’m leaving and we’re going to pretend this never happened.”

“I won’t.”

“Well I will and no one will believe you. There won’t be any evidence this took place.”

Cecil considered briefly. Elias was right, after his nose stopped bleeding and he got a change of clothes there would be little sign of Cecil’s efforts.

Nodding reasonably, he threw another punch aiming directly for Elias’s eye.

He crumpled again, “OH FOR THE LOVE OF THE BEHOLDING STOP HITTING ME!”

“That black eye should be fairly believable,” Cecil said pleasantly.

Elias let out something between a frustrated huff and a growl, as he scrambled to his feet once more, blood now dripping onto that emerald green tie of his, turning it a mottled brown, “Fine, fine whatever, I’m leaving, just record some statements, they’re on your desk.”

And he walked away.

Around the corner Cecil heard Maureen say, “Holy god Elias what happened??” and Cecil just smiled and went back into his office.

The first matter of business would be not ever reading statements, he decided. Whatever reason Elias had for it Cecil had no intention of helping that man.

***

“Oh my _god_ Bouchard, what happened to you?” Jude Perry said with a laugh as Elias entered the meeting room.

“Elias is that a black eye?!” Peter demanded.

“I will now call to order the third meeting of entities,” He said, ignoring the questions.

Helen was here on time today and she seemed to know exactly what happened. Elias wouldn’t be surprised if Cecil had told her himself.

“First matter on the agenda is a discussion about the betrayal of trust that took place yesterday.” He looked directly at Helen.

“Who me? Now, what did I do?” She gasped, splaying long fingers across her chest with a dramatic gasp.

He stood, slamming his hand down on the table, causing Callum and Annabelle to startle visibly, “You told both my host and my archivist what was going on and that makes it much harder to control them.”

Manuella broke into a slow grin, “Well, here I thought you were all about knowledge.”

“And they say the web is manipulative,” Annabelle agreed with a laugh.

“Actually Elias you’re wrong,” Helen replied pleasantly, “I haven’t even talked to Jon since he went to Night Vale. I told someone else entirely.”

Elias knew immediately that she was telling the truth. He had been distracted getting punched and when he managed to refocus on Jon the knowledge of what they were doing was already in his head. Elias assumed that Helen was responsible for both sides.

He saw Oliver tense just slightly.

“Who did you tell?” He compelled. What did Banks have to do with this?

Helen smiled pleasantly, not even trying to resist, “Gerard Keay.”

“You let him _out_?” Elias demanded, turning toward Oliver, his voice controlled, “He was yours, you managed to take him from the eye before I could even _consider_ making him my next archivist and you let him out?”

Annabelle giggled and held up a hand to Oliver which he responded with a high five.

“Why are you both so against this?!” He demanded his composure shattering fully, “You’ll each have you’re own domain in the new world!”

“We have a good system Elias,” Annabelle said, “The web controls them secretly so they fear that control. But it=f they ever found out... It’s like your host, after you know for sure there is a higher power controlling you, it becomes less scary and more routine. The mother of puppets wants the world to remain as is.”

Oliver nodded, “Not to mention, I don’t need an apocalypse because The End will take everything eventually. From a sustainability standpoint, it makes more sense for me to invest in future lives to end. I don’t imagine there will be much baby-making in the apocalypse.”

“He’s right,” Grifter muttered not taking his eyes of Breekon who was making paper swans out of the post-it notes Elias had left on the table for note-taking.

“Fine whatever fine,” Elias threw himself down in his chair and crossed his arms.

“There there,” Peter patted his shoulder comfortingly without making eye-contact which was about as intimate as Peter got.

“C̴̢̓a̸̧͑n̵̫̐ ̷͓́I̶͓ ̷͗͜ḣ̸͔ą̵̆v̴̖̚e̷̗ ̴̳͋o̶͙̍n̸͎̕e̷̲ ̶̫̀ò̷̫f̵͉̄ ̶͙͒t̶̩̉ḫ̶̓o̵͇̔s̷̗̍e̸͂͜ ̴͉̉b̸̯͌ḯ̵̥r̴̹͗d̸̢̽s̶̖͋?̵͙́ ̷̖̍T̷̰̅h̵̼͘e̵̪ỷ̶͙'̵̧r̸͚̅e̵͖̊ ̷͇̚c̵̼̋o̴̯̊o̴̮̓l̷̯͊,” Hopwroth said pointing to the small army of paper swans in front of Breekon.

Breekon nodded, “I’m makin’ one for everyone except Elias because he’s not being polite.”

“I don’t want a swan,” Elias snapped.

“Good cuz ya aren’t getting one,” Trevor laughed.

“Fine. Meeting adjourned,” Elias said standing up.

“No it’s not,” Callum said, “We haven’t all gotten our birds yet.” 

Simon nodded, “Be patient.”

“I’m leaving,” Elias said, knowing how petulant he sounded.

“Good, you’re makin’ it hard to focus,” Breekon said, his face a mask of concentration as he made another crease in the paper silently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed please comment or kudos!


	3. Flirting, Sleeping Together, Marriage

The weather ended and Jon sighed wearily as he looked at the fax they had received from the mayor’s office.

“And we’re back, good news everyone, the entrances to the Night Vale public library have reappeared. And the missing children have begun to exit the building. Quite understandably they appear traumatized, less understandably they’re all… emaciated as if they’ve been in the library for weeks…” Jon shuddered, “The mayor’s office wants me to tell you that they’re otherwise unharmed but well, they spent time with librarians and so… you draw your own conclusions.”

He had found that he was able to throw out these biting comments without too much trouble it was just stopping reading that was the problem still. And god did he want to stop reading.

“It appears that they have a leader who is none other than twelve-year-old Tamika Flynn. Witnesses claim as she exited her mouth was caked in blood and she was clutching - the severed- Intern Tim is going to finish reading this report.” 

He stood. And gestured for Tim to enter. It was hard to drag himself away from the pages but it had to be done. It was one thing to feed on people's childhood trauma and entirely another to simply watch as children went through those events in real-time.

Tim mouthed a confused ‘what?!’ but came in and took the headphones.

‘Thank you,’ Jon mouthed, and took off out the front door of the studio, and rode off on the bike he rode here today.

The mayor could say whatever she pleased but Jon would be damned if he was going to sit there while a pack of terrified, starving children was treated like a heartwarming news story. He made enough money as the host of NVCR to take all these kids to the Moonlight All-Night Diner and get them some halfway decent pie until their parents showed up. Assuming they had parents. Not all children did in Night Vale. Not when every other day there was a new tragedy.

So he peddled to a stop outside the library and kicked down the stand, pushing through the ring of reporters taking pictures of the kids. They were even more ragged than the report suggested.

A few looked up at him with wide eyes and he nodded, “Come on, let’s get you all something to eat.”

“Oh, are we gonna be on the radio?” One little girl asked, she looked about eight years old(?) and had a shallow scratch running the entire length of her arm. 

“If you want to. I brought my portable record equipment,” Actually it had just appeared in the bike basket on his way here but same difference, “The main thing is getting you guys away from here and some good food.”

Jon exchanged gazes with Tamika Flynn. The look she gave him was guarded and appraising.

“You can put the head in my bike basket if you like,” Jon offered, nodding towards the mangled dripping thing in her hand. 

She gave him what looked like an approving nod handed him the head and said, “I’ll go last and make sure none of the younger ones get lost, you lead the way.”

"Certainly, " he said. He pulled out his recording equipment and put the head in there instead. The girl from before perked up at the sight of the microphone 

“Hello Listeners, I’ll be taking it away from Tim here and giving the mic to, what’s your name?” He asked the girl.

“Gigi, I’m nine,” She said proudly.

“Very well, I shall be passing the microphone to nine-year-old, radio announcer in training, Gigi.”

He handed her the microphone and slipped the headphones on her head.

She pulled one side off her ear, “What do I say?”

“Whatever you want, it’s your show,” Jon heard Tim say through the headphones, "Don't let him tell you what to do."

Jon chuckled and nodded in agreement.

“Okay,” She nodded slowly, a look of determination passed over her face, “I’m going to tell you about my friends from the summer reading program and the library.”

They began walking as a group, Tamika herding along the stragglers and Jon leading the way. Gigi’s descriptions start out shaky but soon she fell into a rhythm that made Jon feel sick. It was a statement. He hadn’t been trying to do it but he’d found over the past week that everything in this town belonged to the eye and if it hadn’t been him, he knew Gigi would have been beheld anyway.

At least this way everyone would learn what happened to these children.

Eventually, they made it to the diner, Gigi concluding her horrific tale with, “but yeah lord of the rings was cool during the pages that weren’t covered in blood. Anyway bye Tim, bye nightvale, Mr. Jon said he’s gonna get us food so I have to go.”

She took the headphones off and handed them to Jon with a grin. He could hear Tim faintly continuing the day’s program.

“Did I do good?” She asked.

“Excellent work, If I’m not careful they give my job away to you and I’ll be out of the street.”

“Cool!” she exclaimed and ran over to a group of other kids who had settled themselves at a booth. 

He went to the waitress and told her, “I’ll pay for whatever they order.” and she nodded without a word and left.

Jon settled himself at an empty table, surveying the dirty, sickly-looking children that were around the various tables now.

“You did a good thing.”

He sighed and turned toward the source of the voice, “Hello Helen.”

“Hello Jon, I’ve missed your face. If I was interested in men even the slightest bit we would have run away together already.”

“I don’t know if you’ve heard but as of recent events I’m taken.”

“Oh I know, Gerry just does not stop bringing it up. I swear that boy cannot stop talking about you. He’s as bad as Cecil is about Carlos.”

“What does he say?” Jon asked automatically, “Wait no better question, whose Cecil?”

“The radio host who has your job currently, he never stops talking about his scientist friend who doesn’t like him the same way. Men, you’re all helpless.”

“I’m not helpless,” Jon complained.

“I beg to differ. How would you have gotten out of Yarmouth without me?”

“May I remind you that Micheal found me.”

“And who brought you home rather than killing you?”

Jon sighed, “Fair point. But Gerry Mentioning me a few times doesn’t make him helpless.”

“Talking about me are we,” an increasingly familiar voice said from over his shoulder, “That’s not very polite Helen.”

“I didn’t tell him what you say about him, for all he knows you could be talking about the fact that you’d like to see him try to juggle with those noodle arms of his.”

“Noodle arms?!” Jon exclaimed in offense.

“Your arms are fine Jon, don’t let someone with curly straws for fingers insult your body shape.”

“Rich coming from an old man with no face,” She said raising an unimpressed eyebrow, “That’s fine though. I have plans that I can’t be late to,” she said adjusting her coat.

“Hot date?” Gerry teased.

“Yes, with a certain YouTuber in a dog park,” She said.

“Melanie?!” Jon exclaimed, “Is she alright? I keep trying to text but every time O do my phone screen starts bleeding!”

He didn’t know quite when that had become an offhanded remark to make but the past two weeks had been weird.

“She’s fine,” Helen said waving away his concern and walking toward her door, “I’ll tell her you said hi.”

The door shut behind her with a creek.

“So… did you kidnap all these kids cuz I’m not babysitting for thirty,” Gerry laughed.

“Pfft you live in the house too, it doesn’t count as babysitting if you’re their other dad,” Jon said with a laugh and didn’t process the words till they left his mouth, “I mean-”

“You know I live in everyone’s home, dumbass,” Gerry interrupted.

Jon, dumbass that he was, of course, had to push it further, “What so I’m not special?”

“Didn’t say that,” Gerry tone was odd.

And Jon was about to try to ask what he meant when the first of the kids’ parents started showing up and Jon had to get up and deal with them.

“Sorry I just-”

“It’s fine, go be a good radio host,” Gerry said almost… fondly?

“Right, I’ll see you at home.”

“You’ll hear me there at least,” Gerry laughed at that and Jon saw the shadow disappear from the corner of his vision. 

Jon called Martin on his way home that night.

“Hello?”

“Hello dearest,” Jon said.

“What dumb thing did you do, you only get sappy when you did something wrong,” Martin said suspiciously.

“Well, you know how you told me to flirt with Gerry?”

“Finally did it?”

“Sort of…”

“Jon… what’d you say?”

“I accidentally asked him to be the father of my children.”

“I- I’m coming over, we’re eating ice cream, and talking this out,” Martin said clearly trying to stifle a laugh.

“But he’ll be there!” Jon groaned.

“Yes well, he’s also here.”

Jon blanched, “Wait.”

“Hey there, Sims. Is there something you were trying to tell me earlier?” Gerry’s voice came through the phone.

“I’m sorry I- well fuck.”

“Go home Jon, I’ll be there soon and Gerry will be there when you are.”

“Right,” Jon sighed. He had managed to hide his crush from Martin for almost four years but hadn’t managed to keep it from Gerry for two weeks. Great work Jon. 

***

Cecil held out on the refusal to read statements but he started getting sick very quickly. He felt a constant pull to the tape recorders. He felt the same way he had back when he had undergone his last centennial organ inversion except it didn’t subside with time. 

He didn’t understand why until he had a conversation with Dana.

“You look like hell Cecil,” She said with an uncharacteristic sneer.

“Dana! Oh, it’s so good to see you!” Cecil rushed forward preparing to hug her.

She whipped out a knife and pointed it at him, Cecil skittered to a stop a few feet away, “Stay away from me. Look, I just came to say that you need to eat some statements or something because if you die then Elias will take it out on all of us, he doesn’t want to replace his pet archivist.”

“Dana? What’s wrong? Did I do something?” Cecil said pulled back.

“What’s wrong? You didn’t breathe, or have a heartbeat for _six months_! Whatever you are I honestly don’t believe for one second that you’re Cecil Palmer.”

“I- I’m sorry? But Dana please we’re friends…”

“No, we’re not, I didn’t even know that getting a job here would trap me, and me working here doesn’t mean we’re friends so stay away unless you want me to rearrange your organs.”

Cecil didn’t talk to her again after that but at least he knew why he felt so awful. Something made him need those statements but even still he did his best to ignore it, trying to function despite the fact that every step was wobbly. The thing that really pushed him over the edge was Abby’s birthday. She was turning thirty-five this year and Cecil wasn’t there, he wasn’t there to make her favorite cake with the traditional ceramic frosting and the devastatingly acidic filling.

Steve Carlsberg was a terrible cook. How would she get the cake she needed? Who would get her the yearly lead-lined safety socks? That was the older brother’s job to do! Her feet would be vulnerable to radiation!

After everything that was what broke him. His body hurt, he missed Carlos, and Old Woman Josie, and bowling nights, and his sister. He missed waking up and looking in the mirror and not seeing scars from injuries he never incurred. He missed his runic tattoos and soft meat crowns. The only thing he seemed to have kept from his old life was his clothing. And now, after everything else about this _hell_ he was in he was missing his sister’s birthday.

Cecil was crying in a stairwell when Helen found him, crumpled on the landing between flights of stairs. Feeling his whole body shake.

“Oh lord,” Helen cooed, stepping toward him. Helen had been trying to talk him into taking a statement from her for the past few weeks but Cecil had unequivocally refused.

“I think I’m dying,” He managed to rasp out, “I think I’m dying and the love of my life would rather sit in the dark than talk to me and there are no bloodstone stores anywhere around here and there’s _nothing_ I can do about any of it and my only friend in the world is an entity of fear who thinks this is all hilarious fun.”

“I don’t think this part is fun,” Helen murmured, “The other parts sure but this part isn’t fun at all.”

“I miss my family. I miss being able to talk to Dana without her blaming me for doing something that I don’t even recall doing, and I miss not feeling like I’m being hollowed out with an ice cream scoop.”

“Cecil, please just ask something, I’m full of good information, just ask me,” Helen pleaded sitting on the floor next to him, “I know you want to spite Elias (who doesn’t?) but the one thing he was right about was that you need to read lots of statements to survive. You’re like a little plant that was just locked in a dark closet after getting used to full sun every day. If you don’t let me give you something you will die and I’d really rather you don’t.”

Cecil wanted so badly to hold out but everything hurt so bad, “I… Fine. Who’s- who’s taken over my job?”

Helen sighed, “Good. His name is Jonathan Sims and He’s… he loves nightvale as much as you do. A bit too much if I’m honest. He’s gonna get hurt if he keeps running out of the studio the way he does. Straight into danger. Earlier today he lead a pack of feral children from the library to that diner. And let a little one have a turn on the radio. She’ll be then next host because of what he’s done but he doesn’t know that and it’s many years away.”

“Can you tell the future?” Cecil hiccuped, finding the strength to sit up a little.

“Don’t have to, you could see the way the eye marked her as soon as she slid those headphones on. She won’t know peace until she’s the host.”

“Sounds like me at that age,” Cecil laughed lightly.

“Do you want more?” She asked.

Cecil nodded, “Did- did the archivist have someone he loved get pulled away by a fear?”

“He would have if he stayed here. Instead, he inherited your good luck when you swapped. He’s with a cute little archival assistant now and might even start dating the man who swapped with the faceless old woman.”

“Oh… well that’s a little weird but… I’m glad one of us is enjoying ourselves…. How’s Janice? Did you check in on her like I asked?” Cecil could feel his rebelling body calming.

Helen nodded, “Less happy but she doesn’t realize it, according to her memory this was the normal baseline happy. She’ll feel much better when you come home and she remembers she has an uncle.”

Cecil sighed, “Thank you, Helen, I feel much better, tired but better.”

“Well, I happen to know a certain scientist with memory loss who probably doesn’t feel like sitting alone in the dark. Why don’t you go take a nap with him?”

Cecil smiled softly, “That sounds… really good. I’ll go ask.”

She smiled genuinely if a little too wide to be normal, “Good.”

“Hey, Helen?”

“Yes?”

“Do you- do you think I will ever get home to Night Vale and my family?” Cecil asked.

“It will be a slow process but I think I’ll be able to get you back there,” She gave him a wink.

“Thank you.”

Then Cecil made his way slowly to the filing room that Carlos had made his bed in. The lights were off so he knocked on the door. There was some rustling inside and then Carlos appeared at the door.

“Is everything okay, Cecil?” He seemed surprised to see him.

“I’m fine, I was just wondering if I could… maybe nap in here?”

“In here? In- in my bed?” Carlos asked.

“Yes? I just don’t feel like being alone in my office right now.”

“Oh… did something happen?”

“Well, It’s just…” Then Cecil had an idea, “I don’t think things are going to exactly work out with the guy I was dating.” 

“You two aren’t dating now?” Carlos asked and Cecil recognized a hint of hope in his tone.

Cecil nodded, “Circumstances drew us apart and now we aren’t together.” It was the truth. He wasn’t current with the man he had been dating before all this.

“Oh! I mean- oh...I’m sorry Cecil, you can come in if you like to nap but I was actually sleeping before you showed up so… Well, we kinda have to share? Or I suppose you can move your cot in here but that might be troublesome to take back and forth.”

“Well, we could always share just this once and bring my cot in if it becomes a permanent arrangement…” Cecil said with what he hoped was a casual shrug. He hoped it did become permanent, he hoped they could push their cots together and still hold ear other.

“Yes, that would make sense. Test this out and deal with the result later.”

“Exactly!” Cecil said cheerfully.

Carlos stepped aside and let Cecil into the room, “Uh sorry I can turn on the lights while you’re here.” He flicked on a small lamp in the corner.

“You don’t have to.”

“No I- I want to. Plus even if Elias came you’d probably punch him again so,” Carlos shrugged, “I’m not usually a man of violence but he deserves it. Uh anyway it’s uhm kinda small, there is very little chance of us sharing it without touching.”

Carlos said this as if it was warning.

Cecil opted to try and fluster him, “Well are you the big spoon or the little spoon because i can go either way.”

Carlos’s face twisted in that slightly embarrassed scowl like ‘Cecil that was not a professional thing to say on the radio even if I liked it’.

“Little spoon,” He muttered, kicking off his shoes, “And I should be between you and the wall so you can leave if you need to.”

He laid down on the cot facing the wall back to Cecil. Cecil grinned, kicked off his lime green satin crocs, and laid down behind Carlos doing his best to not touch the man despite their jokes.

Carlos reached behind himself and opened his hand expectantly, “Arm?”

Cecil felt a thrill go through him as he placed his wrist in Carlos’s grip and let himself be guided to wrap around him. And with Carlos in his arms, Cecil fell asleep easily.

***

“Now calling to order the fourth meeting of avatars,” Elias said primly tapping his gavel on the table, he’d had time to recompose himself over the past week.

“Yes how is Jetson,” Simon asked not looking up from texting on his phone.

“ _Jon_ ,” Elias corrected, “It’s not a hard name to remember. Quite literally one of the most common in the English language.”

“You didn’t answer the question.”

“He’s… well he keeps leaving the studio when he should be meeting fears and growing more powerful but no matter. I’m sure he’ll stop.”

“No he won’t,” Trevor said gruffly.

“Pray tell how would you know?” Elias asked with a cold but polite smile. He would not lose his temper today.

"He's soft. He’ll keep trying to help people because, in the end, he's a hero that you’re going to have to work hard to change into a villain."

"It's true, he's not like us, " Peter agreed. There was a loaded silence around the table for a few moments.

"Hey does anyone want to play Clue?" Helen asked.

Elias resisted the urge to wrinkle his nose, "No, why would we do that?"

She shrugged, "Team building exercise."

Oh dear, and so it begins.

"We aren’t a team," Elias told her seriously.

"Sure, seems like a team to me, " Callum commented.

"They're right Eli, this does feel like a team, " Peter said unhappily.

"It's not. This is just a meeting to update you all on our goals and progress in our mutual objective."

"So more like a club then?" Grifter suggested tuning his guitar.

"No! We're just here for business!" 

"Fine but can we get to business already? I'm hungry and I'm missing recess at school for this, " Callum complained.

"Oh my apologies, is our plotting for the destruction of the world as we know it getting in the way of your time on the swing set. Maybe we should drop you off back at school so you might get a nice turn in the sandbox."

"Hey don't be an ass, he's just a kid, " Manuella defended.

"I'm with him, Bouchard. I'm starving and bored so unless you have more info for us can we go?" Jude complained, as she flicked a lighter on and off.

"We could go for a business lunch, " Simon offered, "My treat."

"I̸̟͠ ̶̨̅č̵̟a̴̕͜n̸̜̓'̶̡̑t̴̰̾ ̷̹̚r̴̮̊ȩ̵̈ą̸̒ĺ̴̩ĺ̵͍y̵̱ ̴̺̊g̶̞͌ỏ̶̳ ̵̘͛ȉ̴̼n̷̩̚ ̷̠͠p̸̼̎u̷̱͐b̴̗̄l̵͙͒i̶̧̅c̷̮̔ ̶̹͑a̴̤̕n̴̯̆y̴̆ͅm̸̖̔ö̸̺́ṙ̸̠ē̷…" Jared said, seeming to almost wilt with a disgusting grinding popping sound of joints that shouldn't be there.

"We could always order food, " Annabelle suggested.

"Yeah, hey do you think we could get grub hub in the tunnels?" Jude asked looking around.

"What do you think Buried?" Oliver asked the coffin, "You’re the tunnel expert. Have you ever ordered food to a tunnel?"

There was silence for a moment as if everyone was waiting for an answer and Elias couldn't help but wonder if it might. The coffin was such a real presence that he almost expected it to speak half the time.

"Well it doesn't know, it can't afford to order, it's _dirt poor_ , " Helen cut in with a small laugh.

There was a chorus of groans and distorted laughter around the table.

"Stop Helen you're _killing me_ with the jokes, " Oliver wiggled his eyebrows to emphasize the pun.

Elias hated them all.

She grinned, "You're right we wouldn't want the humor level to _spiral_ out of control."

He needed to put a stop to this.

Breekon seemed to have an idea (which was probably a first for him) and then added his own voice to the jokes, "These meetin’s we've been havin keep gettin _stranger and stranger_. I'm not sure if I understand them."

Then Elias knew exactly what to do to stop the jokes, he said in the same tone the others had been using, "Oh Breekon, you'll get it one day, don't lose Hope."

In a snap the laughter and good humor drained from the room. Breekon's face was still and there was something broken in that expression. Elias loved it.

"Dude, what the fuck?" Jude Perry spoke first.

"That was a horrible thing to say, " Annabelle said as if that would reprimand Elias somehow.

Elias smiled pleasantly and turned to Peter to share the joke but even Peter was looking at him aghast. Elias frowned, what was the attitude about? They were all evil fear deities for watcher's sake! Why were all of them acting so normal? Why was Elias the only monster in the room?!

When he tuned back in Breekon was talking and on the verge of tears and Oliver had moved to lay a soothing hand on his shoulder.

"I jus' don' really know what to do…" Breekon concluded tearfully.

"Everyone deals with loss differently and with how long you two were together no one can really even blame you, " Amhearst said sagely, "I've seen elderly couples who we're only together seventy or eighty years just die from the pain of losing their spouse. And it should comfort you to know that the bugs haven't eaten him. He's too much of the stranger."

Breekon nodded and looked up at Oliver, "Can you get 'im back?"

Oliver sighed, "The trouble is he doesn't belong only to the end, he belongs to the hunt as well."

All eyes turned to Trevor. Even Elias was curious about how this would go.

"Oh… well yeah I don't see why not, I only go for monsters and this Hope fella… well he doesn't seem too monstrous. If you want him back I'll work with the living dead over here."

"Thank you, " Breekon lit up with a smile which looked a little out of place on his usually stoic features.

Peter's face was solemn as he said, "Great, in that case, Simon and I will pay for lunch. Where do we want to order from? Helen can help them get here right?"

"Good idea!" Helen agreed, "I'll open a door, they’ll end up here."

Elias turned toward Peter as the others all began discussing where they should eat.

"Why are you going along with this?" He demanded.

Peter smirked in a way that sent shivers down Elias's spine, "I sometimes enjoy simply pissing off my asshole ex-husband."

Elias felt his face heat up in the cool damp air of the tunnel, "Astounding." Peter rolled his eyes.

As much as they might joke that their various marriages were for money they were really from Elias's inability to hold onto romantic or sexual attraction when his partner didn't despise him.

"Marry me, " Elias demanded. 

Peter shrugged, "Fine. But you don't get any of my money and you're sleeping on the couch because you really were an asshole to Breekon."

"Done,” Elias agreed, “are we moving into your house or mine this time?"

"Mmm yours, I miss my chair, the chairs at my house aren't comfortable."

It was then Elias realized the conversation at the table had died out. Everyone had stopped to watch their exchange.

"Okay the fact that I'm saying this should tell you something but holy fuck your two are unhealthy, " Jude said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh romnce is in the air for all the couples  
> well romance and necromancy for breekon and Hope but we support them in this chile's
> 
> also jon has big protective uncle energy imo


End file.
